I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
