We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
