apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
