No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
