Redeem this text for a blowjob
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
