We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
