Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
