I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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