College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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