So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
