you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's always time for handjobs
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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