oh god the rape fog is back!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
