Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
