I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
