I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
