How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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