You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
