All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
