i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
