If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
