Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
