am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
What a dumb baby whore.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize