rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize