At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
