God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
