im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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