I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
