Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
