I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
