if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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