Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize