She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
