If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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