You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
