11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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