Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
