Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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