Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Randomize
