Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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