Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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