I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
