I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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