I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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