Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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