Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
