Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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