new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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