hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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