she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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