Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
