I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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