I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
