I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
