The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
