she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
