Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I CAN MOONWALK!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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