Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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