Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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