Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
