i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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