Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
