I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
