Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
