he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
